My mother found me standing beside the bridal room mirror.
She had my bouquet in her hands.
"Natalie, sweetheart, they're ready for you."
I turned toward her.
She smiled at first, but the smile faded when she saw my face.
"What happened?"
I wanted to tell her everything.
Instead, I looked at the bouquet.
White roses, a few pale pink flowers, and green leaves tied together with a ribbon.
We had chosen them together three months earlier.
My mother had said they looked simple and elegant.
Now I couldn't imagine carrying them toward Seth.
"Mom, can we sit down for a minute?"
She placed the bouquet on the counter.
"Of course."
She didn't ask why.
She pulled a chair beside mine and waited.
I told her about Heather.
I told her about the canceled daycare and the promise Seth had made.
I told her he'd expected me to leave my job and take care of all three children starting Monday.
My mother listened with her hands folded in her lap.
When I finished, she looked toward the door.
"Did he ask you about any of this?"
"No."
"Not even once?"
"No."
She took a slow breath.
I watched her face, waiting for her to tell me that I was overreacting.
She didn't.
"What does he say now?"
"He says we can work it out later."
"And what do you want?"
I looked down at my hands.
That should have been the easiest question.
I wanted to marry the man I'd loved for three years.
I wanted to keep my job.
I wanted to be kind to Heather and the children.
I wanted Seth to understand that I couldn't build a marriage by surrendering decisions I'd never been allowed to make.
I wanted all those things at once.
"I don't know how to make him understand," I admitted.
My mother reached for my hand.
"You can't make another person understand something he doesn't want to hear."
I swallowed.
She had never been someone who gave advice just to fill a silence.
When I was younger, she'd let me talk until I found my own answer.
That morning, I wished she would tell me exactly what to do.
"Everyone is waiting," I said.
"I know."
"They've traveled here. We've planned everything."
"I know, sweetheart."
"I don't want to hurt anyone."
My mother looked at me carefully.
"Are you afraid of hurting them, or are you afraid of disappointing them?"
I stared at her.
I couldn't tell her the difference.
Maybe because I had spent years treating the two feelings as if they were the same.
I didn't want my mother to lose the happy memory she'd been looking forward to.
I didn't want Paige to watch me fall apart.
I didn't want Heather to struggle to find childcare.
I didn't want Seth to feel humiliated in front of our families.
But I also didn't want to spend the next several years wondering when my life had stopped being mine.
"I love him," I said.
My mother squeezed my hand.
"I know."
"What if this is just a terrible mistake?"
"Then he needs to take responsibility for it."
I looked at her.
She continued quietly.
"You can forgive someone for making a mistake. But you don't have to pretend it didn't happen just because today is important."
I felt tears gather in my eyes.
I blinked them away.
My mother picked up a tissue and handed it to me.
I laughed weakly.
"You've already used half the tissues this morning."
"Then I'm glad I brought extras."
For a few seconds, we smiled at each other.
It reminded me of the moment earlier that morning when she'd fastened my bracelet.
I had thought that was the part I'd remember most.
I was wrong.
What I remembered was her sitting beside me in a room full of wedding things, refusing to tell me that keeping everyone happy mattered more than being honest with myself.
"What would you do?" I asked.
She considered the question.
"I can't marry Seth for you."
"I know."
"And I can't tell you whether your relationship can survive this."
She brushed a loose strand of hair away from my cheek.
"But I can tell you that you shouldn't make a promise because you're afraid of what people will say if you don't."
I looked at the mirror.
My face was pale, and my eyes were beginning to redden.
I didn't look like the bride I'd imagined becoming.
But I looked like myself.
That mattered more than I had expected.
A soft knock came from the door.
Paige opened it just enough to look inside.
"Sorry to interrupt. They're asking whether we're ready."
My mother glanced at me.
I took a breath.
"Tell them I need a little more time."
Paige nodded immediately.
"Okay."
She didn't ask for an explanation.
She simply closed the door again.
I turned toward my mother.
"I don't want to make a decision just because everyone's waiting."
"Then don't."
The answer was so simple that I almost cried again.
My mother stood and adjusted the back of my dress.
She checked the small hook that had bothered me earlier.
It held.
"There," she said. "At least one thing is where it's supposed to be."
I let out a small laugh.
Then I stood.
I still didn't know whether I would marry Seth that morning.
But I knew I couldn't walk down the aisle pretending the conversation in the fellowship room had been nothing.
I needed him to acknowledge what he'd done.
Not after the vows.
Not after the photographs.
Not after everyone went home and he could tell me what he thought I wanted to hear.
Before.
I walked back into the hallway with my mother beside me.
Seth was standing near the entrance to the church.
He turned when he saw us.
His eyes went first to my mother, then to me.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
I nodded.
My mother stepped away without a word.
Seth waited until she was out of earshot.
"I've been thinking about what you said."
I folded my hands around the bouquet.
"All right."
"I shouldn't have told Heather you were leaving your job."
I looked at him.
It was the first apology that named something he'd actually done.
I wanted to be relieved.
Part of me was.
But I needed more than a single sentence.
"Why did you tell her that?"
He looked down at the floor.
"Because I thought you'd eventually agree."
I felt the words settle between us.
"Even though I hadn't agreed?"
He nodded once.
"I thought you would see that it made sense."
I studied his face.
There was no anger in his voice now.
He sounded tired and worried.
That made it tempting to help him find better words.
I could have told him that I understood the pressure Heather was under.
I could have reminded him that I loved the children.
I could have reassured him that I wasn't trying to make his life difficult.
But I had already said those things.
They hadn't changed the fact that he'd made the decision for me.
"Do you understand why that frightened me?" I asked.
He hesitated.
"I understand why you're upset."
"That's not what I asked."
He rubbed his palms together.
"I thought we'd be able to handle it."
"How?"
He didn't answer.
I continued.
"You promised my sister-in-law something that affects my job, my income, and my entire week. You let her cancel daycare. And you did all of that before asking me whether I wanted to do it."
"I know."
"Do you?"
He looked at me.
For the first time that morning, he didn't immediately argue.
"I know I should have talked to you first."
It was a beginning.
It wasn't a solution.
"What happens if I say I want to keep working?"
"Then you keep working."
I searched his face.
"And the children?"
"We'll find something else."
I felt my shoulders loosen slightly.
It was the answer I'd wanted to hear.
But then he added, "We just need to be realistic about what Heather can afford."
There it was again.
The practical problem.
The pressure to find a way to make his original plan work.
I nodded slowly.
"We can talk about ways to help Heather. But you can't volunteer me."
"I understand."
I wanted to believe him.
I also knew that believing him wouldn't erase what had happened.
Seth looked toward the church doors.
"Can we get married now?"
I glanced down at the bouquet.
The flowers were still beautiful.
The ribbon was tied neatly around the stems.
Everything about the wedding looked ready.
But I wasn't ready to pretend the problem had been solved.
"I need to know that you're not expecting me to change my mind after the wedding."
He looked frustrated for a moment, then caught himself.
"I'm not going to force you to do anything."
I held his gaze.
"You told Heather I wouldn't have a choice."
"I shouldn't have said that."
"Do you believe it?"
He went quiet.
That was the question that mattered.
Not whether he could apologize.
Not whether he could say the right thing while the ceremony waited.
I needed to know what he believed when there was no audience.
Finally, he shook his head.
"No. You have a choice."
I wanted to ask why he had acted as though I didn't.
I wanted to ask whether he understood that marriage wouldn't make my time his property.
Instead, I asked one more question.
"Will you tell Heather that we haven't agreed to this arrangement?"
He nodded.
"Yes."
"And will you help her find another solution without expecting me to give up my job?"
"Yes."
I looked at him for a long moment.
Those were reasonable promises.
They were also promises he should have made before I overheard him.
I didn't know whether his words were enough.
I only knew that the decision in front of me was no longer as simple as walking down the aisle because everyone was waiting.
I turned toward the bridal room.
"I need to speak to Heather first."
Seth's face tightened.
"Why?"
"Because she needs to hear the truth from us before she makes another decision based on what you told her."
He looked as if he wanted to argue.
Then he nodded.
I carried the bouquet toward the fellowship room.
For the first time that morning, I wasn't trying to preserve the wedding at any cost.
I was trying to find out whether the marriage we were about to promise each other could begin with honesty.
Click here to continue reading: PART 6: Heather Had Already Built Her Week Around a Promise I Never Made, and We Finally Had to Face What That Meant
Ten Minutes Before I Became His Wife, I Heard Him Make a Promise That Could Take Away the Future I Had Worked For
Part 5 of 12
