Nick called me that afternoon.
I let the phone ring twice before answering.
"Hi."
"Hi."
His voice sounded tired.
He asked how I was feeling.
I told him I was all right physically.
He asked whether I had eaten.
I said I had.
For a few seconds, we spoke like a couple trying to maintain an ordinary conversation.
Then he asked whether we could talk about what happened.
I sat down at the kitchen table.
"We can talk."
He told me he had spent the morning thinking about the credit card and the money he had lost.
He said he knew he had made things worse by hiding the problem.
I listened.
He admitted that he had been ashamed of losing money and had convinced himself that he could recover it before I found out.
When that hadn't worked, he had kept trying.
By the time the payment deadline approached, he had been desperate enough to involve Tara.
I closed my eyes briefly.
I understood what he was saying.
I still didn't understand how he had convinced himself that taking my clothes was an acceptable answer.
"Why didn't you tell me when you realized you were losing more than you could afford?" I asked.
"I thought I could fix it."
"You keep saying that."
"I know."
"Nick, you weren't fixing anything. You were hiding it."
He went quiet.
I could hear faint sounds in the background at his parents' house.
I imagined Elaine moving around the kitchen and Frank doing something in another room.
I didn't know whether either of them was listening.
I hoped they weren't.
This conversation belonged to us.
"I know I hurt you," Nick said.
I looked down at my hands.
"Yes, you did."
"I didn't want you to worry while you were pregnant."
I felt a sharp, tired anger.
"You let me worry about clothes instead."
He didn't respond.
I continued.
"You let me believe we were preparing for the baby together. You let me plan my leave around money that you were using for wagers."
"I know."
"You didn't protect me from worry. You took away my ability to make decisions with the truth."
That was what I wanted him to understand.
I could have faced a financial problem with him.
I might have been angry.
I might have been frightened.
We might have needed to change our plans.
But I could have helped decide what happened next if I had known the facts.
Instead, he had made those decisions alone and left me to discover the consequences.
I told him I needed the full credit card balance documented.
I needed a complete accounting of the money taken from our checking account.
I needed a clear repayment plan.
And I needed him to stop making wagers.
He said he would.
I asked him how he intended to repay the money.
He said he would review his income and expenses and work out what he could pay.
I told him I wanted a plan based on real numbers, not another promise to make money back.
He agreed.
Then I told him about counseling.
He was quiet.
"I think we need professional help if we're going to repair this," I said.
He asked whether I really thought it was necessary.
I looked at the notebook beside me.
"Yes."
He didn't argue further.
I told him that counseling wasn't a way to erase what had happened.
It was a way to address the dishonesty and the damage to our relationship instead of pretending that an apology would be enough.
He said he understood.
I wasn't certain he did.
But I was glad he hadn't dismissed the idea.
We ended the call without making any promises about when he would return.
Afterward, I sat at the table for a long time.
I had expected to feel better after telling him exactly what I needed.
Instead, I felt exhausted.
I wanted our marriage to be a place where I could rest.
I wanted to be able to trust that the person beside me would tell me when something went wrong.
I wanted to prepare for Nora without wondering whether another hidden problem was waiting to be discovered.
Those desires seemed so ordinary.
It hurt that they had become things I had to ask for.
Later that evening, Elaine called.
She asked whether Nick and I had spoken.
I told her we had.
She asked whether he was willing to be transparent about the money.
I said he had agreed to show me the accounts and prepare a repayment plan.
Elaine listened.
Then she said she hoped he would follow through.
I told her I hoped so, too.
I also told her I didn't want her to feel responsible for keeping him accountable.
"He needs to do that himself," I said.
Elaine agreed.
She said she and Frank had made it clear that they didn't approve of what he had done.
I was grateful they had taken the situation seriously.
But I knew their disapproval couldn't substitute for Nick's own willingness to change.
After the call, I walked into the bedroom.
The clothes were still in order.
I took the green dress from the hanger and checked it again.
It was a small habit now.
I didn't think I was afraid someone would take it a second time.
I think I was checking that one thing I could see was still where I had left it.
I folded the dress carefully and placed it back on the hanger.
Then I sat beside the window.
I thought about the photographs I had planned to take.
I had imagined looking at them years later and remembering the excitement of waiting for Nora.
I hadn't imagined that this period of my life would include a hidden credit card and a husband staying at his parents' house.
I didn't want those things to become the only memories I carried.
But I also didn't want to pretend they hadn't happened.
Both things could be true.
I could love the child I was carrying.
I could hope my marriage might recover.
And I could refuse to accept the way Nick had treated me.
I rested my hands on my stomach.
Nora moved gently.
I spoke to her quietly, though I knew she couldn't understand the words.
I told her I was trying to make the best decisions I could.
I told her I wanted her to grow up in a home where people told the truth, even when the truth was difficult.
I didn't know how much of that I would be able to give her with Nick.
I only knew that I couldn't build it by ignoring what had happened.
The following morning, I made another list of the expenses we needed to review.
I included the bills that would continue during my leave.
I included the supplies we still needed for Nora.
I added the money that had been taken from our checking account and the credit card balance Nick had shown me.
The list was not a final budget.
It was a starting point.
For months, I had treated planning as a way to make the future feel secure.
Now I understood that planning could only work if the information behind it was honest.
I placed the list in the notebook.
Then I set it beside the receipt envelope.
The two objects had become a reminder of what I could control.
I could keep records.
I could ask questions.
I could insist on transparency.
I couldn't force Nick to become trustworthy.
That part was his responsibility.
Click here to continue reading: PART 11: The Clothes Were Back in My Closet, but I Still Needed to Know Whether Nick Could Become the Husband I Thought I Had
I Came Home From a Hospital Shift Expecting to Rest, but the Empty Closet Made Me Question My Own Marriage
Part 10 of 12
